Why "I'm Saving Myself for Marriage" is Wrong

This article is not intended in any way, shape, or form condone or defend sex before or outside of marriage. The scriptures are clear: God will judge “the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Heb. 13.4), and those who engage in sexual immorality (which includes sexual activity before marriage) will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6.9; cf. Gal. 5.19-21; Eph. 5.4-5). For one to remain a virgin (or at least sexually inactive) until he or she is married is clearly and repeatedly commanded by our Lord.

This article seeks to address underlying problems within one of the most common phrases used to defend abstinence from sexual activity before marriage. Often, when a young man or woman defends their choice to remain sexually pure (as God commanded), they will use phrases such as “I’m saving myself for marriage.” It is easy to see why this phrase is popular: It sounds holy and honorable without being too “preachy” and in some sense reflects the scripture’s teaching involving sex before marriage.

However, the phrase “I’m saving myself for marriage” is problematic for a few reasons. Besides not giving the truth behind why one should choose abstinence (more on this in a moment), it reveals critical misconceptions about sexual purity that can lead us to violate our holiness rather than maintain and defend it.

1. You are not your own.

“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” (1 Cor. 6.18-20)

The underlying assumption behind the phrase “I’m saving myself for marriage” is that one’s body (and with it, the sexual relationship) is a resource that can be saved or spent at our discretion. You have probably heard it worded another way: “I’m saving myself for my future husband/wife.” As noble as it sounds to honor your future/present significant other in this way, we are failing to recognize the above scriptural truth: Our bodies are not ours to give.

Those that have entered a covenant relationship with God through Jesus Christ have been “bought with a price,” dedicated as temples of the Holy Spirit, and thus expected to conduct themselves appropriately. Plainly stated, your body (and with it your sexual availability) is not yours to give to whom you will. Your body, and everything you do with it, is devoted to the service and glory of God. Therefore, the decision as to who you can give sexual access is not yours to make, but God’s.

GOD has declared that the only person given the right to your body is your spouse: “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” (1 Cor. 7.2-4)

It is not that “I’m saving myself for marriage”: God has devoted my body’s sexual functions to my spouse. The choice was not and is not mine to make!

2. “I’m Saving Myself for Marriage” is Self-Serving

“Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.” (1 Pet. 4.1-2)

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Col. 3.16-17)

Just listen to the phrase: “I’m (1st person) saving myself (1st person) for marriage.” Who is the authority?

Since CHRIST died for us, Peter above teaches us that the rest of our lives are devoted not to fulfilment of “human passions, but for the will of God.” Since Christians have been renewed in knowledge after the image of our Creator (Col. 3.10), and Christ’s word dwells in us richly (vv.16), Paul wrote that EVERYTHING we do and say is according to the authority of Jesus Christ (vv.16-17).

If we are not careful, our decision to abstain could be motivated by factors other than devotion and service to God. An AI-generated response from Bing to the query “Why should a person wait until marriage” listed seven reasons as to why one should wait: “1. Stronger emotional connection, 2. Improved relationship skills, 3. Lower divorce rates, 4. Alignment with personal values, 5. Building trust and respect, 6. Avoiding emotional complications, and 7. Personal growth and maturity.” You will note how ALL of these highlight the individual or the significant other. Where is the devotion to God, you might ask? It was buried deep within reason #4: “For many, waiting until marriage aligns with their religious or cultural beliefs, providing a sense of integrity" and purpose. This alignment can enhance personal fulfillment and satisfaction with the relationship.”

Friends and brethren, these reasons to wait until marriage may well all be valid, but they all cower in the long, dark shadow of the ultimate reason to abstain: Our Relationship with God Almighty.

3. Our best defense of sexual holiness is our relationship with God.

“And after a time his master's wife cast her eyes on Joseph and said, “Lie with me.” But he refused and said to his master's wife, “Behold, because of me my master has no concern about anything in the house, and he has put everything that he has in my charge. He is not greater in this house than I am, nor has he kept back anything from me except you, because you are his wife. How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?” (Genesis 39.7-9)

To the faithful God-follower our relationship with God is our greatest asset, our driving force, the reason we maintain our holiness and reflect Christ in all that we do. In a world hostile to Christianity, we are tempted to hide our devotion to Christ, especially when questioned about why we no longer walk as the Gentiles do (cf. Eph. 4.17). We have become skilled at giving answers that promote the RESULT of our devotion to Christ without revealing the REASON behind that result. Phrases like “I’m saving myself for marriage” color sexual purity as a mere personal choice rather than a mandate from the Most High. It is a smokescreen behind which we hide our faith.

Look closely at Joseph’s response to Potiphar’s wife. Joseph does give multiple reasons as to why he will not take the woman up on her carnal offer, such as his position within Potiphar’s house and her marriage to his master. What is the actual reason for his refusal? “How then could I do this great wickedness and sin against God?” Joseph certainly achieved the correct RESULT, but he did so while giving the REASON for his refusal! As Christians we must not only achieve the result God mandates (abstinence outside of marriage), but in honoring Christ as holy we’re also called to “make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is within you” (1 Peter 3 .15).

I heard long ago that the definition of complaining is stating a problem without suggesting a solution. You might be wandering by now, “What should I say, then?”

Simple: Tell people the truth, “with gentleness and respect” (ibid) why we won’t have sex outside of marriage:

• “I’m not having sex before marriage because it is a sin.”
• “Sex outside of marriage is abhorrent to God and defiles both participants in His eyes.”
• “God’s word says, ‘Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.’” (Heb. 13.4 NKJV)
• “The sexually immoral will not inherit His Kingdom (1 Cor. 6.9) and God commands us to refuse association with anyone who is sexually immoral” (1 Cor. 5.9).

This sort of attitude will serve to ward off spiritually untethered pleasure-mad “whoremongers” (Heb. 13.4 KJV) as well as significantly thin the crowd of “eligible suitors.

Good.

Keep looking until you find someone more willing to SERVE with you than SLEEP with you.